Stronger conviction

As I go along, the more I am convinced this isn't the place I want to be. Upset. Very upset.

Maybe I've just got myself to blame for making the unwise choice of choosing this place....

Why I was down

Finally managed to attempt to "close" what happened on terrible Thursday night.

I just sent a msg to someone. Here's how it goes:

"Dear MT,

Hope you are well. A long time ago when I bumped into D in school, I asked her (before your concert ticket sales started) whether I could buy a ticket to watch L’s concert. She told me that she will have to ask C and yourself and she finally got back to me last Thursday, saying that there is no more ticket left. Knowing that I may at times lack consideration, I thought hard about the reason she gave me, and why you all turned down the idea of letting me be there.

I do not know what you think about me or on what I may have done after I left, but I would like to assure you that since that time, I have not done anything that is against you or the centre. On the contrary, as I continued to gain more early childhood experiences, I have learnt to appreciate many things I have learnt in my time with L.

On Z’s departure, I had no idea about it until Z messaged me herself one month after she left. On being invited to Y’s party, it is also not a result of any contact I kept with parents of L. Her mum messaged me only because Y kept asking her about inviting me. At that time, I was so excited to receive the last minute invitation and did not think of any possible implications of attending the party until the day itself, which I later came to realise.

More recently, I was contacted by A's mum to join the girl’s birthday party. I could not make it for the party; but even if I could, I have learnt that probably I should not go.

I am writing to you today because it has been really devastating for me to know that you all would not like me to be at the concert, but I would still like to take a chance and boldly ask, is there any possibility that I may be there to help, maybe backstage?

I do not know if you will believe me if I said this, but I have really been looking forward to your concert for the entire year. I have also been telling the people around me how it is going to be so exciting to be able to now witness the concert as an audience.

If your consideration is that I should not see any of the parents, may I just pop by for a while to see the children please? I have no idea if the children remember that I told them last year that I would come to watch them this year. Maybe they do, maybe they do not. It is really my personal wish to be able to watch the concert, if you would allow?

My intention is really to watch the children whom I have had the privilege to journey with for the many years, and the K2s graduate. If it is not too much to ask, may I be there?

Thank you for your consideration.

Regards,
Xin Pei"

So, that was part of what happened.

The other parts included being unwell, overworked, totally sad, talking to __, feeling even worst, making bad decisions, feeling really pathetic and unappreciated, feeling alone and unloved, feeling that all my hard work has been for nothing, was reminded of the extremely difficult period I went through then, and a whole package of other things altogether.

Thank you everyone, for sending all your love to me when I turned to social media to "rant". I was really really really really upset. I still feel it now, but much less intense. Thank you to all the people who shared your love with me even when we are not that close. It really means a lot to me. REALLY.

(Breathe out)
I will accept the reply to the text I sent. I will try to accept, and I will learn to accept, not having any 歪主意 to change anything.

I will learn from this episode (not ended yet but I will learn from it).

God, may the outcome You want for me come true. I will commit it into Your hands. Thank You for loving me, I know, 祢爱永不变。

Busy busy!

So many things to do!!
And so little time! :(

^ is how i went through everyday in the week that just passed..
thankfully by God's grace,
He led me through.
It was really tiring..
But it once again showed me God's amazing sustenance!

I'm also thankful for great friends and classmates in school.
So the business mods have been challenging.
And when i asked for help on googledocs,
a classmate whom i'm not met before,
responded really kindly.
Things like that always reminds me how blessed i am..
and how good God is to me.
Praise be to God!

"Sure, we could show calculations first and explain the concepts behind. Nice job! :)

.....
.....

(wonderful content that follow)

.....
....

Hope these helps :)"

It was a great help!!
and thanks to my sister for helping me to sort out my confusion on the assignment too :)

Silly moments

I realised... (again and again...)
That I can really be too imaginative...
想太多 to the point that I even find myself absurd.. hahahaha..

So I had an encounter a few days ago,
And from it I gained more ideas on how to introduce my God to others through your job which may not be directly related to religion. This will be the second time I learnt from someone in this area within these short few months (previously was from my lecturer).

So... I have been overthinking about this, branching into all the additional thoughts that can ever stem from this "spark" to my train of thoughts.

Now, finally.. I have realised that I'm way too silly and is thinking wayyyy toooooo much. So I think I shall stop!

But anyway, it was nice to find out that someone else has a similar "standard" for himself (extending from the interpretation of the meaning of his name) and how he is also seeking that God's will be done in a particular area of his life.

很巧哦! All the similarities... haha!

May Your will be done in my life, Lord!

Please help me to keep these silly thoughts away and focus on Your plans for me, including how You would like to guide my thinking. Thank you God :)

Tough times, tough man - correlation?

I won't consider myself as tough,
Neither am I a man (hehe I had to say it :p)
But I know very well that it's by God's grace I've been pulling through...

It's so tough! Or so I say tiring, messy and frustrating?
Hmmm.
Everyday we experience being shorthanded.
The difference is being a little shorthanded or extremely shorthanded?

I really don't want to say this but..
Are we really capable of handing so many children?
Or is the focus just on filling the vacancies whether it's manageable for us or not?

I can't find motivation to go to work :(
There's little satisfaction in the work but it's more of a "phew/yes, another chaotic morning is over. Tomorrow will be another of such a day."

In the afternoon it'll be: "later you go where where where then this class that class split the children, one tch go out, the rest take __ children each.."

And the night before the next day: "can you ot? Or so and so will take someone's shift because she's on leave/mc so this carries forward to... The schedule for tomorrow will be...."

Tough times right?..

I'm gonna start another tough day now. Shall write another time.

Dear God please give me strength!

:(

Weird how my lovely sisters in Christ just quite recently told me that when i talk i should share my 委屈 and not keep things to myself.. and they tell me not to filter too much when talking cause it dilutes the actual meaning... and today... my superior said the way I talk is blunt and hurtful. Yes I did make a mistake. But aren't you responsible as well? You asked me to explain and then you ask me to stop giving you that reason which I've been trying to explain and you don't get it..

Such a stark difference and oh man.. tell me about being an alien in this world and how hard it is....😢

But still I know i need to be thankful to God for colleagues on my side. So tough... the struggles...

S.o. h.a.r.d. 😭

Would you rather..

Would you rather hear the truth or hear the well packaged story?

Bringing it forward..

Would you rather tell the truth or make up a story?

So, the child was playing toys and there was no accidents/conflicts/fights/anything. The next moment the child decided to stop playing and read a book instead. So she selected a book and walked towards me with it and i notice this super long fresh scratch on her arm.

Where did the scratch come from?

Honestly, i don't know.

"So why can't we tell the truth to the parent?" I asked the tch ic of the month.

"我只知道发生什么是一定要向家长解释。不懂也要有个完整的说法, 不可以说不知道。"

The thing is,  要挑语病的话, 真的是没"发生什么事"啊。。

In the end, the explanation was child snatched toy from friend and scratched friend. While friend was getting the toy back, friend accidentally scratched child.

Wow. How amazing. Now it's the child's fault for getting hurt.

Dear parents, would you honestly be able to know exactly how your child has gotten every single cut/scratch/wound/injury? So, would it be too much of you to accept an answer from the teacher which may suggest "I don't know what happened"? Then, can there be pure honesty in such circumstances?

Well, if I am the parent.. ok, I may find it absurd that my child's teacher doesn't know where the super long cut comes from. But I think I would rather hear the truth than to have to counsel my child for something that isn't his fault at all.

If I am the teacher (who got to speak with the parent)... I would tell the truth.

Dear God, I am sure you know what happened. Can reply the scene for me please?

Actually dear God, if it's not too much to ask, bring me back to all of such circumstances please. Especially Isaac's case. I would like to respond differently. I would actually prefer preventing Isaac's fracture too. Thanks God!

>.<

The cool thing about class today...

It is that...

I gained an idea of how to incorporate your testimony into a self introduction! My lecturer did it! And it was the best idea ever 👍😉

Me time needed

Actually.. it's more of I need time to consolidate my thoughts/learning/direction..... hmmm.

Brain is overcrowding.. mind and body is tired. But I have not given up on praying and seeking!

I really need grace to go by each day! Jiayou xp! By God's grace you can!!

Oh today marks 6 months at the new wp! Wow it's alr 6 months! Or should I say huhh...only 6 months?! I also don't know which should be the one....

Random thoughts hehe

I think that..

It's so so nice to see God's children who journey with Him ever so closely.
His blessings are also so so super evident in their lives that their lives simply proclaim how great is this God whom they believe in!

Am I like that too?

Does my life reflect Christ?

(and i got all these thoughts from browsing social media, looking at the photo journal of blessed people. Sometimes I'm really amazed with myself by how much I can think about just seemingly random things hehehe..) 😊

so hard.

dislike myself for being so weak. :/
supposed to be happily packing and then i received a super duper unkind text from my colleague and now my mood is (cry face)

the irony is that she was the one who knew i stayed back to complete my work/ prepare in advance for someone to cover me. and she had to send me such a text!

and a while later..
then i managed to find someone to help me out and i thought about the people whom i know they will be on my side..
and i experienced the warmth in people (particularly one person first) once again,
that brought a little bit of comfort but still..
why am i so weak.
:(

this is just like my not-nice-at-all experience on my last day of work.
and going through the unpleasant later allowed me to experience something so nice and warm.
is it for the contrast?
hmmm.

i asked God many times- why do i have to go through the bad so i can also see the good?

my "answer": God if i have to go through all the bad things to see the good, i will. (<- well, now i can say this for my last lap of work's bad bad experiences that has passed)

but for now..
oh man.. it's so tough.

what am i so weak :(

tGif!

I think I've never used this expression myself!
But today is truly tGif! :)

Such a relief that the work week is over and the Lord has graciously brought me through.

So, in this period, the staff are told to clear their leaves. But, there are no arrangements for teachers to be absent.. And everyday is just, 乱, 烦, repeat.

In the class that I'm temporarily taking, the symphony of cries is.... I would say, saddening. The poor children have no one to be attached to and i feel so helpless being unable to attend to them individually too as I have to 顾大局 being the only teacher.

This week I took the pg class for 3 days and n1 class for 2 days. They call this "language days", which means the teachers do not take turns to enter the class for lesson each day, but she takes the class for the whole day and the children at exposed to the language (either English or Chinese) the whole day, incld the routine time. Though this is the school's selling point, I don't exactly agree with this, sadly. And it makes it so hard to bring potential parents around for centre enquiry! It's like trying to convince them on something I don't believe in :(

Anw.. So my first 3 days were terriblest. Probably the worst I've experienced though I really enjoyed taking pg. The next 2 days, one was peaceful and good (because the lessons went well and children and all) and the other one (today) i can only be thankful because I took so many 3 year olds (18! >.<) at once but they were all relatively good. So I am certain the Lord made them so! Though I really also wanna give myself a pat on the back for good classroom management. It's not entirely the children's "credit" you know:p Ok, I know, it's God credit :")

Now I'm just happy it's tGif and i have some time with myself (to compose this too) before attending prayer meeting. It'll be a packed weekend! But I can do it! Jia you! :)

Mmm.. how do you ask for a favour?

So, I've been wondering about this a lot..
Is it my upbringing that has caused me to have a very high expectation for this?
Well.. no I don't think so..
Shouldn't you ask properly?
Hmmmm...

So I took an extra class (on top of the 2 I already have for 3 months) and it seemed that it was finally time to handover to the teacher (whom was finally employed!).
And after the first time the teacher took over (after I handed over) for lesson ytd, news came today about.. how the teacher will spend her last week with us this week.
Woww.. and i wrote down the minutes myself that I'm taking over, again.
And it was because I asked: "so what will happen to her children?"
No one asked my opinion.

And the other thing was, why didn't the teacher herself consider telling me the news herself?
She still chaired the meeting today and asked us about our feedback for her and then in the last agenda she dropped the bomb.
And in her approx 1 week plus 2 weeks with us, she just kept being so enthusiastic in starting new things and changing my classroom board and things.

Well, she's vp too so I have to listen and follow. But..
Sighhh
I just said it myself ytd that God's plan is always macro!
And now I'm dwelling on such a microscopic perspective.
Help! The struggle is so real :/

the revisiting of past scars...

studying for BUS201 (business and contract law) exam is really... ^
it reminds me of how i was silly-ly obliged to sign a contract that binded me for so long....
and how not nice an experience i went through in my final days somewhere along ECR..

soon, very soon,
i will have no more association with that place..
2 more eoy grad concerts to attend to see through the children i taught (and i made a promise to visit),
and that will be the end.

then i will officially close this chapter in my life.

side point,
will i be able to get someone to join me for the concert and be my pillar of support?..

anyway..
#worknowisstillverytough
#cannothelpbutwillthink
#howlongwillistay
#butthinkonly
#ihavenoansweratall

alright, back to revisiting the old scars.
please xin pei, take away your biasness.
study the concepts as they are!
don't put them in your context and remind yourself how you could have been freed/ the injustice you faced.

arggh it's so hard.

At a glance.. (briefly)

Would have worked for 3 months in a week's time!
Problem is.. I don't really like how the system at the place.
Should I... continue?
Should I... not?

Hmmm..

Let me try to put a few things in words:
1. I don't need to write lesson plans (which is a huge relief) but the lps i have been given so far is >50% not age appropriate. I left the previous place to learn better methodology in teaching children through hands on activities. I now have more worksheets to complete with the children than I ever had. Up to 3 per day for PG class. That's ridiculous! (I don't think I'm harsh in saying this at all.)

2. The human problem is quite bad. There's tension among colleagues, people badmouth one another. It's very bad, why can't we work tgt, help one another out? Must the lead tch and asst tch be differentiated so clearly? The "plotting" to get people to do things is so immense that even I, (I would think I can only pick things up when it gets very intense and I picked this up) can feel it.

3. The unspoken "levels" among teachers. Why are some staff given special permission to stay out of class and others have to cover for them without explanation? It's so unfair. And the things that the staff being called out is doing, are they really necessary? Is it really effective? Oh did I mention the arrowing of people to do things? The arrows are ridiculous.

4. Time management problem. Lps are emailed to the principal (by the curriculum head/dept) and printed out (even later) when it's time to conduct the lesson. Shouldn't things be prepared ahead? And the lesson materials/teaching aids (which in this case are just pictures to be laminated and cut) are always only accessible after the lessons have been conducted. What's the point? Messages to be pasted in the children's communication books are always only out during tea time (we actually check the comm books in the morning) and they must be pasted in the books by the end of the day. Who has time to do that? Most children (at least from my class) starts going back after tea!

5. The principal management skill is still developing. I don't feel being led by her. She says things in a round to "shoot" me. She doesnt listen to me because i know when i say things, she is already formulating her response/ rebuttal. She delegates her work to her "staff in charge for the month" as a form of empowerment. But, empowerment and shirking of responsibilities, it's really just a slim difference.

6. The staff team does not work as a team. It's sad, it's really sad. Things get stolen at the workplace (today I experienced my share), people take mc at the last minute, people change shift with others so as to benefit themselves (such as have a longer weekend), people complain about others to "in charge" but don't communicate among themselves.. and someone screamed for me (across the school) in a harsh voice when I have already supposedly knocked off- what attitude!

Wow I'm amazed at how well i managed to say these things so coherently. I said that I will say a few and it turned out to be so many (and still the list is not exhaustive).

People oh people, why are you so ugly?

Children oh children, why are you all always my only consideration but you bother me so much?

Dear God, what should I do? :(

Update of OA

Officially 2 months at the workplace!
officially confirmed as a staff!
Officially 10 more days to another class of 12 children!
One of the happiest things in this period is successfully transiting children. I'm very thankful that by God's grace, I've been doing it very well :)

Tired body, sore arms

Hello there! Morning! (If anyone's reading haha)
I just wanted to say that...
Today I will like to give thanks for the Marina South Pier bound EMPTY train!! Woohoo!!
It's so awesome that I, the physically tired being, can be onboard such a crowd free, fast travelling train! OTing to cover others' shift for a third day today! And transiting new children these days are really taken a toil on my poor arms. Anyway.. you know I've now at mastery level of putting children to sleep in my arms and putting them down on the mattress without waking them up? Hahaha yes I am quite a pro with that now, now that I've handled a lot of "pattern". Hehe.. :)

#iamjusthappycomposingapostinanemptytrainla 😉

Group work oh group work..
Why are you so frustrating....

Noona is older, listen to me, I won't tell you the wrong thing. "siah" some more leh.. I cannot take it.. help help!

Something good in the week :)

All the quarter centurians unite! Hehehe.. it was a lovely catch up!! 😊😊😊 (and doing work after that!)

highlights of taiwan trip (14-15 Dec)

We went to the ZOO~

We met little ones on their field trip! They really reminded me of all the trips i had with the children at lfl.. <33

Look at what they have at the zoo! Merchandises totally in line with the zoo theme!

The 2 thoughtful ones who helped me keep up with my occupational hazard- hand glove puppets! ;)

I took a photo with the animals of course! :P

San Jiu taking a brief break..

We boarded the zoo ride to the gondola!

On our way to mao kong...

We went to a nice lim-teh place on the mountain top! Aligned with today's "theme", HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY everyone! HEHEHE :D

We played games at the teahouse and here's the awesome forfeit: Give someone (not of your generation) a hug!

We then had Ah Zong for dinner and proceeded to the night market!

This is the famous "peanut and ice cream popiah" :)

We had a nice night view of Beijing 101~

On our last day, we had brunch and headed for the airport! 

Back in Singapore~

To commemorate our safe and triumphant return ;)

That's all everyone! Hope you enjoyed the photos (and my shameless selfies) :)

highlights of taiwan trip (12-13 Dec)

Started the day with traditional breakfast!

Off to see flowers~

We had yummy lavender ice cream too!

We also went to see the sunset at Gao Mei Wetlands :)

Next day> lunch at Ding Tai Fung where i received this super creative facial mask sample at the mall!

@ Bei Tou Thermal Valley

We tried the Public Hot Spring, it wasn't a very good idea hehehe..

And I finally ended the day by meeting Zhang and she rode me around the island! :D

highlights of taiwan trip (10-11 Dec)

Off to Taiwan all by myself feeling really jittery :')

Day Two Sunday morning service in our bunk! =)

We went to Sun Moon Lake!

Best selfie of the year!

Adults (once again) overbuying and distributing food for us to "try"! I love Anthony's expression in this shot!

Caught a pikachu! Achievement unlocked ;)

Checked in at 9 plus to our next accommodation~

The ones who stayed on to explore the night market!

San Jiu's happy and amused look at.... 2 people in an intense tsum tsum battle ;)

Sim Ai and I "embracing the battle" hehe...