Rojak feelings

In the end, my departure wasn't formally announced..

Till today, I have parents messaging me upon "discovering" that I have left.

I really don't understand why things can't be ended on a better note.

If I'm in the management position..... Anyway..

Tonight the K2s are staying over in school. It's their K2 Overnight Camp. Something that I really struggled to decide whether I should "go through" this with them before I leave..

Photos of them are up on Facebook (as usual) and it doesn't feel good at all to see that I've been replaced esp by another teacher whose initials happen to be opposite of mine..

It must be my ego. But still this feeling is so tough. It's time to change my phone's wallpaper alr, I can't be making myself remember it all the time..

Anyway, can i say that i still secretly hope my absence is felt? I miss the children so much!!!

And I am feeling very bad to the children that I left the children on this note (without being able to tell them at all/say a proper goodbye). But I hope they (K2s at least) understood my difficult position..

Sighh..

Went for a trip rightaway after my last day of work (the children's concert) and now I finally am feeling my feelings (you get what I mean). But then again church camp is 2 days away!!

I wonder.. why did I put myself in such a "tight" situation.. but then again, could it be God's plan to help me in this transition too?

Dear Lord, please have mercy on me!

On a side note, today my mum and dad just very very nicely asked me to take a good good break and not look for a job yet. Even up till cny is good (my mum says even if I have no ang bao for her this year is no problem at all).

So much love. ♡

Once again only God knows I needed it!

Thankful as a whole even though the struggle is so real :')

Alright, back to preparing to serve as translater for Sunday and catching up on camp prog! 💪 God is with me!

The photo below shows the super thoughtful gifts my children and their parents (who knew about my departure through my supervisor's text the same week/ a day before my last day) blessed me with. They are way too sweet. They totally contribute to why I can count my blessings even though there may be others who are not as nice to me...

I'm a really blessed girl indeed:)

It's the final countdown

Rojak feelings at its most "flavourful" stage.
The struggle is so so real!!
So this is how it feels to leave a workplace after 6 years..
Yes yes, I'm trying to comprehend this situation...
It's weird how I have more ownership than the other people there though I'm at the final countdown.
An odd situation indeed.
Is it already time for me to say I've done my part, it's enough?
Will anyone come and pat me on the back and say any words of encouragement?
Hmmm.. highly unlikely.
Really seems like I'm gonna leave by the "back door"..
since there's no announcement to the parents at all till now..
At least I hope that the impact of my departure  will be felt after I leave?..
I hope.
Then again,
I just really hope that all my years of effort have impacted young lives.
May it not be deprecated..
Well, I know God knows how I feel.
Trust in the Lord, Xin Pei!

18.18% catchup

We had a nice catchup today! Do you think it'll be possible to have a full strength gathering? :) let's work towards a 10 year anniversary gathering! ;)

Wedding dinner ♡

Attending my probably future superior's wedding!
I'm a little lonely here, all by myself..
And I realised today is singles' day?!
Hahaha.. anw I'll brace myself! :)
In times like these I hope somebody can keep messaging me and give me a reason to stare at my phone..
Hehe.. :)

Ups and downs

How did my week go?
Hmm.. let me try to recall..

Sunday wasn't too good because I was caught in a situation I will rather not be in and the talk (with ling and xue and xin hui on the last friday) just unfolded in front of me. Overflow of feelings of being unappreciated and also feelings of intense unhappiness on huiqi's behalf. Sometimes I really don't understand older people. Younger people and the youngest people are truly much nicer! Can't people in general be more appreciative and less critical? Please?

I entered Monday knowing the blue-ness it'll bring and that it'll be Megan's last day..
Bought her a gift tgt with my sister on Sat and passed it to her, glad she liked it and insisted on opening the present that was wrapped up during class time hehe.. Megan is the one who reminded me "'o' is for obey and we are to obey God." Guess she will always have a special place in my heart in that way :) the other teachers say that they didn't manage to get Megan anything cause of all the pressure (at work) they are facing (which is so sad) but I guess maybe they just didn't get to spend as much time as I had with Megan.. anw, now that I'm leaving the workplace, I think with "another withdrawal" I'll like to see it as God telling me, it's okay, let go...

Monday was good because the k1 children were all relatively well behaved at their flower cake pot making workshop. I have my reservation on how the workshop was but I shall just comment on the children who were good and that they managed to show their kindness to each other in the process. :)

So, Tuesday was the sudden deadline (we were told the Friday before) given to us to finish our progress reports and other docs by that day and the teachers worked hard (well of course at varying levels) to ensure it was done. I was so unhappy that day because the boss commented on my (and our) work in a super harsh and uncalled for manner and I took offense at a personal level. Let's scrape the details, but basically she made me want to question her: (1) are you against me now that I'm leaving or is it (2) you have not been looking at my work closely in the past 6 years (of 12 rounds of progress reports) such that you are only picking on my "errors" now? You kind of get a feeling of what's going on?

Also I guess I was very emotionally affected because I had a 3000 word assignment due on Thurs noon which I haven't started on all because I was trying to clear my work work. On top of that, in that period my supervisor pretty much ignored all her responsibilities at work so as to vet our work before the boss' vetting and I had to cover for her. She ranted about how my colleague's work wasn't good enough and how she hates her for it, etc, all out loud. I mean you can't blame my colleague for her language ability isn't it. Plus, it's your job to vet, so why complain and out loud? I did the vetting too, when there was no supervisor, and it was not just the English language but Chinese too. I had to take care of my own parts to write which I managed to do (and you left yours aside) and I had a N1 class to look after which no one helped me with. So, why complain?

Hence I went back after a very bad day and my sister had her share of bad-ness in the day too. Glad she shared with me an analogy on perspectives which gave me insight but applying it was.... nearly impossible.. tried to calm myself to get started on the assignment that night and as you can alr guess, I wasn't quite successful.

I entered Wednesday knowing that I have to keep a high morale throughout the day for probably that night, I won't have to sleep. It was an okay day, with children requesting me to play the parachute with them, etc. I couldn't bear to turn them down due to my "adult" problems and being in my last phase at work; but that certainly added to my weariness..

So Thursday came with me so aware of each and every single minute as I worked on the computer. I finally submitted my assignment at 8am and I was under the word count for the first time in my life. But I gave in to that, for I was exhausted. I took a deep breath and prepared for work and gathered all my academic records in preparation for an interview later that day. It was a tough morning because my supposedly free-er day was spent "covering" others and on more unnecessary editing of the progress reports and completing of other "for show" documents. I was on a half day leave but I left so much later and rushed for the interview.

Glad the interview was by an old colleague of mine and it was like a catchup session. She was also most understanding of my exhaustion and she shared with me about her centre and probably my future workplace so sincerely. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that in this period of my life...

Friday was chaos with concert review and all other matters but I'm glad it ended on a good note with catchup with shu jie and meiyen. Wow we've grown much older but we don't feel very different from the past.. I just wonder how much have I matured (in my mindset and also in my spiritual walk) over the years? Or have I spent all this while remaining stagnant?!

It was a great session with my JC friends but one thing just couldn't be off my mind- the PTC the next day...

It was a last minute arrangement specially for the N2 class because their form teacher will be overseas the next PTC session (3 weeks later) and the boss wanted to be around for the session (she'll be overseas the next two weeks so we can't have sessions then). Not very professional right? See how things are not planned properly? Well, things are trending this way recently for a while already..

So it is Sat and I crawled out of bed- very tired. Thankful that daddy offered to send me to work ♡ I had to reach at 7.30am because the first session of PTC was to start at 7.45am. Odd timing don't you think? And would you like to guess the reason why?

Anw, I'm thankful because (I don't know if it was just me but) I feel that I'm the first teacher almost all the parents looked at upon reaching the centre (and I would like to think it's because of our relationship over the years) and there's this closeness between us which felt so nice. But then again, it's gonna be the last PTC.. N2 is not my form class but I teach them math and in the limited "commenting time" I had, the parents really listened to me and it was such a thankful and lovely moment for me. Another wonderful thing about PTC is that I get to see how parents (as in between the husband and wife) interact. It's always awesome to see things such as how husbands are so respectful and in awe of their wives that shows me a glimpse of how a loving family is like. Really really nice. I would aspire to build a family like that too! :)

PTC ended (finally) at about 3pm and it's time for home and time to prepare for sun school. Really dislike it when I only have such a limited time for preparation and when all the "time slots" that I have are packed maximally.. but anyway, the next "agenda" was family gathering which we had a nice time making rojak. I discovered and witnessed for a first time my dad's rojak making (mixing) skills which was such a pleasant "discovery". I always knew he's rojak kia (because my grandfather used to sell rojak) but I never knew how good my dad was. It's always good to "find out" such things :)

And it's Sunday! Sun school followed by service followed by meeting and some "time to myself" (though I felt obliged to make a hair treatment appt). But anyway.. it was good to have some time to compose this post.

Today I'm also thankful to be able to have lunch and chit chat a little with the YMers. Thank you all for "entertaining" me on my sometimes-pretty-ridiculous-comments! It really meant so much to be verbally invited to kendrick's ord and feel all your love through the "attention" you all gave me. Yes it's at time point in my life that I really think I need to feel loved. I'm not sure if you understand such a feeling but I'll still say it. Yes I know my One True Love is from above but I guess a few "physical persons" demonstrating God's love to me is great too!

Thank you God for allowing me time to compose this. I think I really need it. Next up>> LOTS of marking for the night before moving on to Monday and the rest of the week.

Jia you, Xin Pei!

Can you guess where I am?

Children are wiser

The world really needs to be a nicer place.

See how my children (yes I call them mine) eventually "combined their herds" to make all the elephants cuddle together because they can protect each other...

Initially, each of the children just had their "own herd" of the same colour. They were already wise enough to arrange all the small elephants first and then the big ones because like that when they all curl up, the big ones will be outside to shelter the young ones from the cold.

Ironic isn't it, the young ones are now cushioning me (the big one) from the reality of the world..

Anyway...
For one of children, in her process of construction, she arranged all the elephants in one row and made all the big elephants in front, followed by all the small ones and finally a big one right at the end. I asked her the obvious- why was the big one at the back. She replied with confidence: "Because the big elephants need to lead the way and the small ones will follow. But this big one must be at the back to protect so that the small ones won't get lost."

So so so wise. The incorporation of all the prior knowledge she has and (I really hope) some of these is what she has heard from me.. I see the shadow of the penguin community, zebra community and lion community, etc...

Thanks children for somehow assuring me all my investment of time into reading you all bedtime stories is so worthwhile! On a side note, I recommend "It's Our Nature" by Rebeca Orozco. Come, let's go back to basics. The animals really offer us valuable lessons to learn from!

Back to my point, the world really needs to be a better place...

Preparation

I'm beginning to lose my understanding of this word.
Why are you all so badly prepared? :(
Even the best materials cannot salvage the situation...

Waves of mercy, waves of grace

This post was initially gonna be titled "First Wave".
The first wave of the effects of tendering your resignation, of experiencing the change in attitudes of the superiors, etc.
It's really different anticipating VS experiencing it...

Initially, when I was simply mentally composing this post, the lyrics of <Every Move I Make> came to me.
It's so amazing because, indeed I "made a move".
But it's like with every "swash" of experiencing effects of resigning, it leaves behind a trail of "backwash" of mercy and grace- something I'm always covered by but I still so easily forget.

Thank you God for such a simple yet impactful reminder! I can face tomorrow! Fighting!

The second

The first time I did it was July 25, 2013 and today marks the second.

Having lots of mixed feelings,
Have no idea how the period coming up will be,
But I choose to hand it into God's hands.

It has been done

I'm keeping all the love from the children, all our intimate relationships deep in my heart.

At this ungodly hour, I've completed my assignment and finished composing my letter of resignation. Later I'll place it on the superior's table.

有万分的不舍得，但我决定把所有的美好记在心里。

The following picture gives you a sneak peek on how much my children love me (and I love them too of course) expressed in "tangible terms". ♡♡♡♡♡

Children's day party

The time has finally come for me to give out the presents prepared since a long time ago :)

Glad the children enjoyed the three little pigs play we did! Could have better rehearsed but the teachers just decided to put on a scriptless and impromptu act. Thought it was a waste but oh well.. I definitely put in my best for to make the props. Tried to send a lot of my love through it! Hope the children received it!

In the photos below, that's my form class of last year and their selfies with me! Also, my baobeis of this year and my four-hour plus plus of effort of cardboard houses!

Today is the day

Oink Oink! Do you know that today marks the last day I'm being tied down by my bond? And today is over!! Woohoo~

Here's a shameless selfie feat. the piggy ears for the teachers' performance on children's day ;)

Perceived organisational support

Rigid rigid rigid
死板死板死板
Inflexible inflexible inflexible
What silly red tapes
Why 鸡蛋里挑骨头
I'm off work already
I'm gonna ignore you
Upset
Spoil my evening

So on "perceived organisational support", how well do you think they fare?

It's so sad, for it seems that the workplace situation is the younger, the wiser.
It's the little ones that keep me going.
See below for a gift from a thoughtful little one!
He only had 2 packs but he gave me one.

On a side note, the K1s danced so well today!!
And the adults had to spoil my day😡

Tpcmc's 43!

Today was a good day serving with a reliable group of trios! All praise and honour be to God for how far we have come! :)

On a random note, I'm thinking of doing something to my hair~ shall I? 🤔 seeing how it looks like after I bunned my hair today really tempts me.... hahaha!

Breather

So we were in need of a breather.. and tada!

Some things are really complicated but I'm truly thankful for the best company that made so much of a difference ♡

Who knew that buying/ fixing furniture can be so therapeutic hahaha.. oh and also not forgetting the great service from Ikea Alexandra that added to the pleasant experience! dragging a tired body to work as a result but also cause we stayed up further to do more work. I think the heart is... more at ease (I hope)

Internal conflict..

Today is a rare day that we gathered for team building, a once in 6 years activity.

Today is the day I am so so conflicted. To stay or not to stay, that is the question.

New month coming

It's so unreal that it's September already!

So we tabulated the reward charts in the classroom and gave out some gifts. Do you see the little happy face key chain that the little one is hugging to sleep? He's not the only one, the whole class did!! I think they love it! :)

Since the start of the year, a specific "happy face" sticker is always what they get from me when I spot them doing a kind thing. Now I think it's natural for them to do it already :)

Next up is September! And the month's theme is occupations. So here's their reward chart of the month. I'm pretty proud of my work :')

When meeting Isabelle meets Isabel

It's a small world afterall,
It's a small small world😊

post WFCMC

hello friends!

it has been wayyy tooo loonng since i blogged so let's not catch up from where we left off:')
many things have happened and i have been sotong-ly living my life..
but God has been super gracious to me!
if not i most probably would not have pulled through the first half of 2016,
juggling work and school.

right now, i am at the phase of waiting for school to start..
and i will have to go through the motion of school, making friends, choosing where to sit on the first session, keeping up with pre-class quiz, online quizzes, assignments, presentations, rushing and traveling from one end of singapore to another....

my life is exciting and busy as usual and thus i took a day's off today to clear my mind and my room!
sadly, i only have 4 days leave left so i can't take a two days break..
but it's ok!
today was a good day :)
and my remaining three days of leave shall be left for my exam days.

you see, the problem with me, be it in person or virtually,
is that.... i take forever to get to the point.
and i have been talking to my sister about this "problem" of mine.
so we figured,
if you have given me some time to hear me out,
i am pretty much an easily understood person. hahaha!

so as i have proven my point...
5 paragraphs have passed and i shall be getting into my reflections of WFCMC!

WFCMC stands for World Federation of Chinese Methodist Churches.
and when i refer to WFCMC, i would mean the "WFCMC 8th Young Leaders' Conference" which i attended ok!

my heart wasn't prepared to go for WFCMC because i had extremely packed schedule throughout the entire duration.
however, i was secretly hoping that attending it will help me to have a "spiritual revival" of some sort...
on the day we reported to the ferry terminal to head for batam,
it was only then i started to feel that...
"wooh! I am the oldest one here. everyone is younger. yes, shall take care of them!"
so this was the mindset that i had and brought along with me.
and it all started well.

it wasn't hard to realize the great emphasis placed on security through all the briefing, etc upon our arrival.
it was also evident that coordinating a big group of international participants has its challenges.
but it was all good and cultural night proceeded as planned.

things started to take a turn when we were all gathering in the hall in a very serious manner..
all the leaders and countries reps had to do head count and be accountable for everyone and no one was allowed to leave/go to the toilet..
and after a significantly long wait and settling down,
the president of CAC announced the decision to shift all of us back to singapore due to safety measures.
so we were briefed of many matters..
and informed that we were to take the 4am-ish ferry back to singapore
and we had to gather at 3am-ish for head count and transport to the ferry terminal..
and we heard this "news" at 12am-ish..
[please take this portion with a pinch of salt. it was quite a experience and i won't say that everything i wrote here is accurate. if you consider the time and "state of mind" hehe..]

to keep this short,
we returned to sg safely and that was when we could inform our parents and all.
that night (or rather, morning) was all "media silence" so that there will not be any "complications" and unnecessary worrying.
and then AMAZING things follow.

the arrangements were all set.
we had a place to hold us,
breakfast was waiting for us,
arrangements seem to be already done for the overseas delegates...
and everything continued to flow..
not according to the initial timetable planned,
but it all went on just as a great big miracle.

here are some of my reflections if you like to read on :)
[i am going to control myself and not give you all too much prior knowledge of what happened. so if reading on makes you confused but you are really keen to know the details, come, talk to me k!]

#1 the Lord is Jehovah Jireh, our Provider
His grace is sufficient for all of us.
I know for sure:
-He made it possible for WFCMC to go on even though there is a sudden change of events
-He provided all the venues for us (you definitely know how hard is it to book places in sg)
-He provided all the resources (how the people who were originally not involved in WFCMC got robed in)
-He provided the 2 ferries that brought us back (as a sg couple had some connections with the ferry business)
-He provided cheerful givers (to suddenly offer us so many sleeping bags for all and many more. this is totally mind boggling by the way, how are you supposed to find 200+ new sleeping bags just like that?!)

#2 the beauty of a family church like TPCMC
many people were putting in a lot of effort to make things happen to host our foreign delegates.
i had the opportunity to be more involved with the tpcmc side thanks to technology (esp whatsapp)
and also at the same time hear about what are the outstanding needs of the Committee at WFCMC..
so many things were ongoing.
to host the delegates at tpcmc (for their accommodation),
asking and collection of pillows and sleeping bags was intense (i can't find a better word to capture the essence of this)
in the many (and i would also say it's few) whatsapp groups i was in,
people were asking and arranging things like never before...
"my mum will bring it down"
"i will ask my brother"
"my brother-in-law will send it over"
"my dad took it already"
"my aunt will take it from my house"
"i will go and collect it from you"
etc
etc
etc
it was crazy, literally.
but when you see how the place was set up in the super duper short notice (and may i emphasize it started off at midnight, not that they had a day to prep),
you really appreciate the interconnectedness of a family church.
and what's more, we are all a (bigger) family in Christ!
SUPER COOL.

#3 humility to serve
for the WFCMC name tags,
it doesn't indicate where you are a pastor or youth worker or church staff, etc..
so..
when you suddenly realize that a person actually has some form of "title" but having experienced interacting with him/her, the things they say/do, the respect they give you, the humility in all that they do...
it is truly humbling.
when you see a pastor chauffeuring others around despite all the trouble or being the road marshal for the longest period of time...
another humbling moment.
and more.. the JOY they have in serving..
WOW.

#4 God's plan surpasses human's plans
so everything was turned around but it turned out pretty well.
hui4 zhang3 happened to mention at one point: now i know why Jonah was upset when nothing happened to Nineveh..
for me, i think, if i were in the planning committee...
how much faith will i need to have to make the decision to take everyone back to sg?
how would i really feel that all the original plans were to be scraped after all the months of planning?
upset? probably.
but i think i will have so many questions... why ... why ... why...
BUT, God ways prevail and He works in the most amazing ways that is beyond our comprehension and ability to fathom.

#5 "reactions" when everyone was informed of the decision
-there was no complaining
-there was no commotion
-there was no worrying
-there was compliance and understanding
-there was peace and obedience
-there was submission to authority
-there was faith in God
if i was placed in a similar situation again/ some where else,
i don't think we will "end up like this".
the like-mindedness in Christ was so evident despite the diverse group of people and it was BEAUTIFUL.
well, to be very fair,
at one point there was a bit of discussion upon the decision being announced.
i am not sure is it because of the language barrier that some had to clarify any matter but at that point,
hui4 zhang3 happened to say something like: "we really need you to be attentive now. it would have been very tough for Moses to lead the Israelites across the Red Sea if they were not cooperative."
i don't think it was sarcasm.
but i think it was such a wise and clever reference.
even if it was not such a matter but it could be a small thing that God entrusted us to do,
how do we/ am I responding to His guidance?

#6 [self realization] increasingly being affected by "rejection"
i think i need to work things out in this area.
i learnt about myself that "rejection" bothers/ impacts me way more than before.
it could be being unappreciated, to being turned down when offering to take a photo for someone, or after taking a photo for others they choose to take a selfie right after, etc..
it affects me so so much.
i know it is because i put the emphasis on "me" in such times.
but still, it is a challenge, really.

alrighty, this shall be all.
good night =)

happy new year :)

Hello to whoever is reading this! :)

It has been a long while!

Let's catch up from where we last stopped previously~

9 Nov: So we celebrated Diwali in school and did henna for the children! I would say that it was quite a success! :)

10 Nov: YM Planning Retreat; an important day with an important lesson learnt on communication and love.

19 Nov: Tom yam together with Xin Hui over Skype! A first! ;)

4 Dec: Concert day; a thankful day. A day which God blessed me with far more than what I could have expected/ asked for. Got to remember this day! 12 out of 13 children came in the end! (with only 6 children at the start) And they did a superb job! All praise and thanks be to God!

 Post concert: A period which I realized that I am actually really really particular about how words are said. This girl here... is a tough nut!

11-12 Dec: K2 overnight camp. The second batch of children who went through their preschool years with me. <3

15 Dec: The day of abrupt change. A terrible day that even the most nicely decorated class did not help in making me feel a sense of attachment to a classroom where I don't feel I belong.

16 Dec: Visiting Elsie at work with the best company! With ling inclusive! :D

20-22 Dec: Happy to Hang Together (YM Retreat). The most heart warming gathering of brothers and sisters in Christ :) I know I said something similar for BIP 2014. It's almost the same feeling once again; it's one of the best feeling :)

25 Dec: Christmas Day! Lots of love received through thoughtful gifts and notes :) The most creative present goes this coaster above! ;)

26-29 Dec: Penang with the angels :D

Transition to the new year was a super quick one..

FAST FORWARD>>>

17 Jan: Birthday surprise from the sweet and young ones and Birthday treat from thoughtful Shermin and the world's best crab feast prepared by my mum! <3

Read a love letter from this person the moment the clock struck 12!

18 Jan: Celebrated my birthday with the N2 and K1 darlings with a 3kg cake! Meet up with the full crew of NOI20A! WHOOHOO! Plus overwhelming birthday well wishes from dearest friends and relatives :)

22 Jan: Met up with an old friend who came with a pleasant surprise and.. bumping into Bernelle and Wicus! :D :D

This blessed person who doesn't feel 24 but just keeps ageing will be moving on to a new phase of her life from 27 January onwards! BACK TO SCHOOL~ 

See you all next time!