mere coincidence?

Went for dinner tgt with 2 of my colleagues last night. Spent a bomb for nice food hehe. Anw. We had a problem deciding on where to go at first, as last minute bookings were a really bad idea. So they were talking about a few suggested places and I mentioned abt 1 too. We didn't go there in the end. But.. what are the chances of you just talking about a particular place and the next day....

celebration!

remember my GUC (grown up cousin) : C?

He's the son of my big aunt. He came to know Christ after he met his wife.
Prior to this, he was one of the few most rational man I know of especially when you talk to him about religion. His reasons and rejection always seem so strong. But yet when he came to know Christ personally, it becomes even more impactful and >> a powerful testimony!

Today is C's baptism! We're all so happy for him!
On a side note, I got to visit Wesley Methodist Church! :)
Looking forward, hopefully C'll be able to positively influence his family and bring them to Christ!

Here's a card we put together for him. #anothersatisfiedmasterpiece :D

overwhelming..

Remember I mentioned about mylc and how I was reminded of..

-unconditional love
-unlimited care
-unflinching commitment

which I'll like to put into perspective by applying on the children I work with..

Well, there's this other part I took away.. Which was a part of what chang yao chuan dao prayed for me. But... to keep the story short, I forgot about the word that he used which really spoke to me. Okay la, we had group sharing on this and probably because I'm too attentive to others I forgot abt my "word". Hehehe.. The impression I had of it was something about don't be "stubborn".. but I simply cannot remember the exact word until recently, it came back!!

The word is "grumble" :')

The point is, it's really hard. Hard not to question (okay, maybe "grumble") the circumstances, the people, the methodology of things, the logic, the workplace. It's really tough. Tougher than overcooked meat..

I find myself being unwilling to talk to big people. I find myself being frustrated. I find myself feeling so alone. I find myself wanting to shun away. Today, I found myself counting down to the end of my work shift in an attempt to find motivation to continue working (I know you get what I mean) :)

Came home with a terrible headache.. literally and also figuratively. There are tremendous amount of things waiting for me to do.. how?? I'm so tired. It's definitely not the Monday blues I can assure you.

There's bible study class with xiao yi and da jiu and san jiu tomorrow evening. Which means time slot tomorrow is all fully booked. The subsequent days of the week too. Oh man. Overwhelming..

On a random note.. what are the odds that you just thought of random things a night before.. and the next morning someone posts abt it? It's like someone read your mind.. Is that a sign?

happily overloaded

i think i'm overloaded with so many things..
and i'm in the midst of doing them.. (except now cause I'm digressing here hehe)

and i chanced upon something!

presenting...

you know.. often, i wear my superhero shirt on days when i need to feel super..

cause it kinds of make me feel that i can do it!

but now i'm smiling to myself at this logo.

indeed, Jesus is the super One!

how can i not know that i'm always empowered by Him!

silly me!

i still have a lot on my to-do list for the night..

but i know i can do it through Him who gives me strength! :')

random

You know, recently there's this thought that is on my mind.. just like how Singaporeans came together in a campaign to raise funds for the vietnamese tourist who faced injustice.. Can they also start a campaign to raise funds for me to break my bond? Let's call it #operationcontrolz. "control z" my decision for allowing the silly sponsorship of 3717.15....

the problem

My "other GUC" (let's call him C) has been following up very closely with my aunt in the journey this period. Going to the hospital, doc's review, etc. So in a way, he has "insider info".

Now the "problem" is this. He has been telling me a few things that others do not know. It started happening from after the operation.. anw let's fast forward》》

Prior to the revealation that confirmed my aunt has lymphoma, he already called to tell me that things are not so good. At that point of time, however, I did not know how "not good" it would be and assumed it was just his way of putting things across. Probably he wanted to emphasize and get me to help in getting the family together to spend more time with my aunt. So I "accepted the task" and we planned a surprise to hold a family gathering at his new house (gatherings are usually not there and he's not involved) which my aunt really wanted to go and pray over the house. It was surprise success.

Then a few days later, when my aunt got the tumour test result but she has yet to tell us about it, C called me again and informed me it's Stage 4 cancer and something more. First is coping with how serious the condition is, and next is coping with the "something more". Right? Not really. He told me all at once, to fast for me to react. And what makes it worse, I was on my dad's car.

What did he say? Hmm. Maybe it's not a good space to reveal here. But it's about how much more time we can spend with my aunt. And how much difference will going through chemo make. Answer is.. not that much, sadly.. But my aunt doesn't know. And not anyone else I think except the doctor and C and spouse and me and of course the One who knows it all from above.

It's tough to know these. It is hard to cope with it. My aunt went through chemo once last Wed and yesterday the second time. From the time I know the "news" till now, things have been different. How I sing worship songs about living for God, surrending all to God; how bible verses talk about life, daily experiences and all are at a "different level" now.

Last Wed my aunt updated in the family group chat saying that she's feeling good and that she has told God: 我要活下去 (I want to live on). I saw it and I just broke down. What faith she has! But at the back of my mind I was thinking but does she know it won't be long based on the doctor's estimation? I couldn't take it anymore. Sunday's worship too.

I know that our time is in fact in the Healer's hands. But knowing the "news" has really caused me to limit God, limit what He can do, limit miracles that He may allow to happen. And it's increasingly hard to pray.

I have been slightly wrestling with God: why, why have such a thing happened to my aunt- someone who loves You so much? I haven't had an answer. But to a certain extent I think that it's for me to learn something too. And why in such an extent? Because I'm stubborn, I'm so stubborn. And I have to learn things the hard way- so that's why it happened?

Recently, my mind is all about time. Next time this year, things will be different. My mind has been occupied with thoughts like will we go this event/ that birthday/ ocassion together? Then, I can't think anymore.

And a few more things to consider..
-my further studies should hold for at least a year right?
-how can I encourage my extended family members to spend more time with my aunt without explaining more? Plan more surprises like we have recently? More random fun activities to change the mood? More facial mask day?! (But I don't have ideas anymore you know..)
-how can I suggest to my mum to consider quitting and stop working for now and just spend time with her dear sister? (Well this one I kind of suggested it already, but I didn't say it convincingly cause I can't say it too..)

my church commitments :)

This is never an "easy" area. Why? Simply because it's doing God's work! So I got to give my best and take everything exceptionally seriously! Okay well, the areas of my life are all a part of God's work too, but you know what I mean. :)

I'm "overstaying" in the youth ministry to help the younger ones transit through (in short). The batch that I'm in (which I can never express how much I'm thankful for) came from the experience that is more towards "put you in the sea and let you learn to swim". But our approach for the younger ones is slightly different- we share with them how to swim. That being said, yes we often share too much and hence compromise on the experience that one can gain while "learning to swim".. we're aware and are working on that :)

I'm now teaching the final trimester in the sec 1 sunday school class. It's a lovely class to teach but often I "resort" to zi-highing to get the class going. Sounds familiar? Hmm. Anyway, it's a joy to be able to teach. Because I learn as much! But what bothers me is.. the lack of time that I have to prepare for the class. It's is a challenge, but I try my best.

I'm serving in the year end camp committee! It's a great experience too! It's yet another joy to be able to "impart" experiences to the younger ones! :) but then again, it requires a lot of time! My view is that, you got to be following through closely (meetings, etc) to be able to journey well as a team. So.. then staying committed is always a challenge.

Next, I've taken up the role of mentoring a few sisters in the ministry. This has been regretfully not well done though. There was a period which I asked the SLs (group of more "senior" leaders I've been working with) to take over the care of them cause I felt work being tooo much and consuming me. Now I feel silly too cause work can now be seen as the easiest. Haha. Back to the point, these 3 girls have been very understanding. Sometimes they make me wonder who are the mentors and who is the mentee! Really give thanks for their maturity :)

Met up with them one by one over these few weeks. God showed me how He blesses me with the strength for these meet ups though this period is tough. Got to know each of them a little more✌

Talking about people I hope to journey with.. there are so so many!! Some of them are from the sun sch classes I taught before and I though it'll be good that I follow up and try to bring them to join us in YM. Some I just hope to build closer relationships with them as we journey together in this faith.. but I can't do it, too many. So God has reminded me that I got to pray for them! Pray pray pray! And then again.. there are many many things to pray for.

Lastly, (probably I should put an end to this haha) it's serving in the team of SLs in the youth ministry. The youth worker is leaving and there are so many complications to it. Once again to keep things short, planning for the following year is a good challenge. Electing a youth director to take the place of the youth worker itself for example, is already looking like one big hurdle. And the planning of structure and probably change and proposing them strategically is yet another hurdle. But all in all, once again it's really thanksgiving for through these things God reignited our passion and love for the ministry.

Side point..
My aunt works in the church office. The youth worker is a very close friend and sister of my aunt. To keep things simple, this relationship seem to have complicated things in my humble and limited and humanly perspective. But I don't know.. wanna keep it open to God's hands in this.

something happened to the pillar of strength

At about the Mar period this year, my aunt got dengue fever and followed by what we and the doctor thought was UTI. It was a difficult time for her, with much inconvenience too. And this prolonged period then eventually led us to the condition today. (I will come to this later)

So what other things happened in this period? One of my grown up cousins (GUC) consistently had fits and it was pretty bad that he always falls and injures himself when he has fits. He had to go to the hospital for checks etc too, to make sure that he doesn't have a concussion or so. Now, this GUC stays with my aunt (he's not my aunt's son). And oh yes, because of the frequency of the occurence of fits and him in turn having to take quite a number of MCs, he lost his job at the petrol kiosk.

In the same period, we welcomed the birth someone I'll like to call my 表niece (daughter of my other GUC). It was a celebration for us and especially my big aunt's family too! It was during her birthday period that we welcomed her first grandchild! But there was a turn of events and the little one was called home just after 2 weeks (I've simplified this to the greatest extent) here with us, with 90 per cent of her time in ICU.

My aunt was much involved with the family, supporting her sister who was devastated and also my GUC's family. It was a test of faith. So tough, with much questioning.. but God's ways that are higher still prevailed. Why did I talk about this tough time? Now in the family, there's a little of self-blamimg by my GUC cause this incident prevented my aunt from taking better care of her "UTI". Also, as my aunt was the one who brought my GUC to Christ (just last year), there's an element of spiritual warfare. Well, that's present in everything actually.

So, what happened to the pillar of strength in the family? There was a huge tumour in her bladder. And the discovery led to her having to remove her bladder and replaced with an external urinal bag. It was a long process. Of tests and emotional rollercoaster and of the major surgery. (And I have once again simplified these tremendously) Then came progressive recovery and adapting.. and then came the report on the tumour.. and the revealation of another cancer- lymphoma and the need for chemo. And thereafter details that it's Stage 4 Lymphoma.

some prior knowledge.

In my extended family, my role is as one of the more prominent ones in the younger generation. So when we organise family gatherings etc, I may probably be the one leading the ice breaker/ saying something/ initiating something... It's a joyful thing, because I'm in a position to be able to find out more about my loved ones. But, it's also sometimes tiring and now I use a new word: pretty stressful.

This role requires you to step out of your comfort zone. It assumes you to be naturally ready to take on the things ahead. It requires some form of zi-highing and initiative to get things going..and the list goes on.

Now in the older generation, there is someone who fulfils this role too, alright maybe not the zi-high part.. And the thing is, she does an awesome job. So awesome that to put it simply, she has involved herself in each of our lives, even the extended extended family. Well of course, we all know that your "effectiveness" in this "role" is also affected by age too.. Anw back to my point, this amazing lady is my second aunt.

what became most simple

My life used to comprise of 4 areas namely:
-Church
-Family
-Work
-Studies

In the past, I'll always shared that work is the one that consumes me most. Mainly because of people issues- collegues, superiors, parents.. Now I that I have completed my part time studies (officially submitted my last assignment on 1 Oct yay!), probably I should be feeling more relaxed, but I haven't been feeling it too.

You see, the other areas of my life have now naturally readjusted itself. But that being said, I'm still thankful that I've now got more time to work around the other areas.

Currently, work is the easiest! Surprisingly! I give thanks for my time in mylc 2014 that helped me to rethink work. Things hasn't been easier since then, but it really helps with the clearer mind. Points I remind myself as I continue to work with the greatest in the kingdom of heaven:
-Do I show unconditional love?
-Do I show unlimited care?
-How do I sustain unflinching commitment?

That being said, major changes are going on at the workplace. 3 out of my 7 colleagues are leaving. They are my supervisor (S), a part time teacher (PTT) and aunty who really dotes on me! So who are the ones remaining? That's me, an experienced senior teacher (ST) who just joined us this year, 2 other new chinese teachers who just came (in Jul and Sept) and are struggling to cope and aunty who's the cook.

I don't know where will these womanpower changes lead to, but I've set my mind not to be overly affected by them.

Then again, S, PTT, ST and I are in a whatsapp group. In that group, all the negativity prevails and it's hard to keep my stand. The ways of my superior (SP) are often mind boggling and the teachers dislike it. What makes it worse is that she makes things bad for people who are leaving and keeps the ST in the loop of twisted truths. SP thinks that we don't communicate and we ought to believe her one sided stories individually but she's got it all wrong. There's so much going on behind her back that makes it all so complicated.

In addition, I'm supposed to pretend I don't know about things but actually I do. Do you get a sense of the complexity of things?

But then again, this is the simplest of all now.

in the begining

Finally created a space to accommodate my overwhelming thought processes..

Recently, I have come to understand how it is so difficult to be in the know of things that others don't..
It is a great "calling" indeed, and a really tough one.

Will be updating this space with more details.

For now, just like to end off...

Dear Lord who is sovereign and all-knowing, it seems that I really have a lot to handle at this moment. But, I am certain that it is something that I can bear it with You by my side. Please help me to put my trust in You, Lord. Please help me to not think in any way that I limit Your power because of the things I know ahead of others. Thank You Lord, may You continually be merciful on me, dear God. In Jesus' name, amen.