the problem

My "other GUC" (let's call him C) has been following up very closely with my aunt in the journey this period. Going to the hospital, doc's review, etc. So in a way, he has "insider info".

Now the "problem" is this. He has been telling me a few things that others do not know. It started happening from after the operation.. anw let's fast forward》》

Prior to the revealation that confirmed my aunt has lymphoma, he already called to tell me that things are not so good. At that point of time, however, I did not know how "not good" it would be and assumed it was just his way of putting things across. Probably he wanted to emphasize and get me to help in getting the family together to spend more time with my aunt. So I "accepted the task" and we planned a surprise to hold a family gathering at his new house (gatherings are usually not there and he's not involved) which my aunt really wanted to go and pray over the house. It was surprise success.

Then a few days later, when my aunt got the tumour test result but she has yet to tell us about it, C called me again and informed me it's Stage 4 cancer and something more. First is coping with how serious the condition is, and next is coping with the "something more". Right? Not really. He told me all at once, to fast for me to react. And what makes it worse, I was on my dad's car.

What did he say? Hmm. Maybe it's not a good space to reveal here. But it's about how much more time we can spend with my aunt. And how much difference will going through chemo make. Answer is.. not that much, sadly.. But my aunt doesn't know. And not anyone else I think except the doctor and C and spouse and me and of course the One who knows it all from above.

It's tough to know these. It is hard to cope with it. My aunt went through chemo once last Wed and yesterday the second time. From the time I know the "news" till now, things have been different. How I sing worship songs about living for God, surrending all to God; how bible verses talk about life, daily experiences and all are at a "different level" now.

Last Wed my aunt updated in the family group chat saying that she's feeling good and that she has told God: 我要活下去 (I want to live on). I saw it and I just broke down. What faith she has! But at the back of my mind I was thinking but does she know it won't be long based on the doctor's estimation? I couldn't take it anymore. Sunday's worship too.

I know that our time is in fact in the Healer's hands. But knowing the "news" has really caused me to limit God, limit what He can do, limit miracles that He may allow to happen. And it's increasingly hard to pray.

I have been slightly wrestling with God: why, why have such a thing happened to my aunt- someone who loves You so much? I haven't had an answer. But to a certain extent I think that it's for me to learn something too. And why in such an extent? Because I'm stubborn, I'm so stubborn. And I have to learn things the hard way- so that's why it happened?

Recently, my mind is all about time. Next time this year, things will be different. My mind has been occupied with thoughts like will we go this event/ that birthday/ ocassion together? Then, I can't think anymore.

And a few more things to consider..
-my further studies should hold for at least a year right?
-how can I encourage my extended family members to spend more time with my aunt without explaining more? Plan more surprises like we have recently? More random fun activities to change the mood? More facial mask day?! (But I don't have ideas anymore you know..)
-how can I suggest to my mum to consider quitting and stop working for now and just spend time with her dear sister? (Well this one I kind of suggested it already, but I didn't say it convincingly cause I can't say it too..)