For the first time

For the first time I thought about getting someone to pose as my other half so that I can let a 长辈安心。

For the first time I feel I'm gonna just 豁出去 and don't care about my 面子. Had the the idea to just 公开寻找 whoever can help me with the above because I am pretty sure I have friends who won't mind helping me for the cause.

Crazy isn't it.

My thoughts have been wild because things have been so hard to bear.

For the first time I had someone broke down so badly in front of me. 

For the first time I had to hear such heartbreaking news in a family conference. 

For the first time I talked to a doctor from the palliative care department.

For a first time I found it so hard to reply the message: hope she recovers soon.

God, I know You are gracious and merciful.

Help us please...