Why I was down

Finally managed to attempt to "close" what happened on terrible Thursday night.

I just sent a msg to someone. Here's how it goes:

"Dear MT,

Hope you are well. A long time ago when I bumped into D in school, I asked her (before your concert ticket sales started) whether I could buy a ticket to watch L’s concert. She told me that she will have to ask C and yourself and she finally got back to me last Thursday, saying that there is no more ticket left. Knowing that I may at times lack consideration, I thought hard about the reason she gave me, and why you all turned down the idea of letting me be there.

I do not know what you think about me or on what I may have done after I left, but I would like to assure you that since that time, I have not done anything that is against you or the centre. On the contrary, as I continued to gain more early childhood experiences, I have learnt to appreciate many things I have learnt in my time with L.

On Z’s departure, I had no idea about it until Z messaged me herself one month after she left. On being invited to Y’s party, it is also not a result of any contact I kept with parents of L. Her mum messaged me only because Y kept asking her about inviting me. At that time, I was so excited to receive the last minute invitation and did not think of any possible implications of attending the party until the day itself, which I later came to realise.

More recently, I was contacted by A's mum to join the girl’s birthday party. I could not make it for the party; but even if I could, I have learnt that probably I should not go.

I am writing to you today because it has been really devastating for me to know that you all would not like me to be at the concert, but I would still like to take a chance and boldly ask, is there any possibility that I may be there to help, maybe backstage?

I do not know if you will believe me if I said this, but I have really been looking forward to your concert for the entire year. I have also been telling the people around me how it is going to be so exciting to be able to now witness the concert as an audience.

If your consideration is that I should not see any of the parents, may I just pop by for a while to see the children please? I have no idea if the children remember that I told them last year that I would come to watch them this year. Maybe they do, maybe they do not. It is really my personal wish to be able to watch the concert, if you would allow?

My intention is really to watch the children whom I have had the privilege to journey with for the many years, and the K2s graduate. If it is not too much to ask, may I be there?

Thank you for your consideration.

Regards,
Xin Pei"

So, that was part of what happened.

The other parts included being unwell, overworked, totally sad, talking to __, feeling even worst, making bad decisions, feeling really pathetic and unappreciated, feeling alone and unloved, feeling that all my hard work has been for nothing, was reminded of the extremely difficult period I went through then, and a whole package of other things altogether.

Thank you everyone, for sending all your love to me when I turned to social media to "rant". I was really really really really upset. I still feel it now, but much less intense. Thank you to all the people who shared your love with me even when we are not that close. It really means a lot to me. REALLY.

(Breathe out)
I will accept the reply to the text I sent. I will try to accept, and I will learn to accept, not having any 歪主意 to change anything.

I will learn from this episode (not ended yet but I will learn from it).

God, may the outcome You want for me come true. I will commit it into Your hands. Thank You for loving me, I know, 祢爱永不变。